Rain Drops keep Falling On My Head
by mayfair22
Summary: Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind towards a resolution which it may never find." One Shot...Derek centric.


AN: Of all the stuff I've written till now, I kind of like this the best, probably because I have tried a new technique wherein there's more focus on dialogues. Secondly, I have often admired writers who can fix angst with humor, so I've tried a bit of that as well… Hope you guys like it as much as I seem to….

As usual a big Thanks to bsloths for her patience with my quotation marks and capitalization.

Disclaimer: I don't own LWD or the Song by Frank Sinatra, I'm just a big fan of both…

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He has learnt not to react to her presence anymore…Because nothing _nothing _has worked till now….Not fear, not panic, not annoyance, not anger…Nothing….Perhaps ignoring her would do it….

Except that it doesn't…And she's there ….

For good….

"You should call her," she says.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's none of your business."

"But De-rek…of course it's my business…I'm your step sister."

"How about my _dead _step-sister…"

"Pfftt…Minor details," she waves the comment off…Leaning forward in anticipation, "So tell me. How did it go?"

Is she serious? She really wants to know how his date had gone….Which to be really polite about it had literally sucked…No...Really it hadn't even been his fault…She talked well, she looked even better…And what's more, she loved hockey…It could have gone perfectly… until she decides to go to the ladies room and he's left staring at a young waitress spilling water on one of the customers…

And the waitress is upset and cranky and the manager is yelling at her…And...

(And he quits)

And he walks out of the restaurant, leaving 'whatever her name was' still powdering her nose.

"Call her. Apologize to her. She'll take you back. Hopefully."

"Casey," he's almost on the brink of exasperation by now, "which part of 'I don't want to date her' don't you understand?"

"But why? She's just your type…She has breasts..."

He smiles slightly at her attempt at humor, "So does every other girl…"

"Precisely."

And if you're left wondering as to why he doesn't want to date an apparently 'perfect' girl, and if your imagination has started to run in every possible direction trying to form possible solutions, go ahead; form your conspiracy theories because he has no fucking clue himself.

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"Derek, you're sick."

The doctor who has just pronounced this diagnosis hasn't even finished college, in fact just minutes before Derek had assumed that you needed to have at least a beating heart to qualify as his personal psychiatrist.

"And who made you my shrink?"

She ignores his quip and brings out a pad and pen (she can do that?)…

"You really are sick. It's been four dates in two months that you have left in the middle…not even first base…." She looks at him almost with the same concerned expression a doctor would use on her patient, or a vet would use on a dog with three legs, (it really is the same) "This, my friend, is you insanely sick…" she concludes.

He watches as she tucks a lone strand of hair behind her ear and crosses her legs and leans forward, "So tell me Derek. What is it that's bothering you?"

And he bursts out laughing…Because she's sitting on his recliner, he is lying on the couch, her hair is pulled back in a bun, she's wearing a navy blue knee length skirt and a white full sleeved, buttoned-down white blouse, her pen is poised over her notes…_this is her fucking fantasy…_

"You really are doing this just because you didn't get to finish medical school and become qualified enough to screw people's heads…."

"Well…I would have been a very successful doctor if it hadn't been for your driving skills…"

The smile fades off his face…

"I'm sorry Case…" And he feels something like soot filling his throat up.

"Oh God Derek…I know…I know…You don't have to say it….I know...It was an accident…." And she is actually looking upset, which in a humorless way is funny because he gets to bug her even when …even when she's not (is still) there anymore. It does nothing to make him feel better.

She leaves his chair and kneels down in front of him…."I'm sorry Derek," she whispers…

"Me too Case...Me too" except that he can't cry…He never could…Not then…Not now…

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"Christ Casey….Would you stop scaring me like that…Announce yourself next time."

"Derek Venturi," she begins, placing herself on _his _recliner, "you must not take God's name in vain."

"Since when do you care?"

"Since I came in closer contact with him, the respect just grows with proximity…" her silly attempts at humor are pretty lame most of the time.

He really isn't in the mood at the moment anyhow, because he had run into this girl at the supermarket and ….And she had looked nice and _HOT…_and it's been so long…A year since…Since…

"Why don't you just leave me alone Casey." He didn't even know he was angry till he hears the tone of his voice himself.

Casey doesn't flinch…She bows her head low and whispers, "I can't."

"Fine then. Stay here. But don't bother me." He walks into his room, slamming the door behind her.

Next morning when he opens his eyes, she's still there…

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It becomes a routine after that….

"What were you frightened of?" that was Dr. Casey McDonald's only comment after he had recounted everything that did and did not happen between Marcie and him.

"I never said that I was frightened."

"But you ran off. Again."

"Look. Let's not do this right now…I didn't think Marcie was that great anyhow."

"Liar. You almost like her."

And she's right; because the fact is that he _was _afraid. Because in _almost _liking someone he felt disloyal to the only girl he had ever _loved. _And he's torn between two dilemmas…

The solution ultimately being that he never sees Marcie again.

Because….Because Casey would just not leave…

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It's cold…Bitterly so…it's Christmas and he hasn't gone home…Even though George and Nora have told him over and over again that they have forgiven him and he should be with him…Even Lizzie has broken her silence and asked him to come over….Everyone has forgiven him….

But the problem you see is that he still hasn't forgiven himself…

He watches with amusement as Casey decorates a Christmas tree in his living room…

Apparently some things never change….

But he hates the cold…Has hated it since he held her the last time in his arms, her body bloody, lifeless, cold….

"Casey?" he calls out urgently.

"Yeah?"

"Case….I don't want to be cold anymore…"

And the way she looks at him….Makes him think that perhaps she knows….Understands…

She slides in next to him on the couch and holds him…but her body is still cold…and it fills him with warmth…and he finally…finally after days…months…he doesn't have to _pretend_ to sleep.

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It's one of those days when he doesn't feel right about anything….

Because now Casey is just not a permanent fixture in his house, but accompanies him to the office, the movies, the market, sometimes he contemplates taking an extra ticket for all those times he (they) commute by the tube, or catch a movie (together) or watch the hockey game at the stadium…And then he remembers…

She probably doesn't need to pay for anything….because here is a fact….

Casey McDonald is dead…And she's still around to haunt him….

"Why don't you leave?"

"What?"

"Leave….Leave me alone….Go …Stop haunting me ….I don't want you here…"

She looks at him with a funny expression, "you really want me to leave?"

"Yeah genius. I want you gone. I want to be with a girl who at the least has a pulse….Not a spirit who insists on stalking me…Why haven't you gone yet anyway…"

"Because I told…I can't go…"

"Why? What's holding you back…" Derek was pacing the floor angrily.

"You," she answers.

And he stops, "What do you mean? I'm telling you very clearly that I want you to leave me alone. Let me live."

Casey doesn't answer and her lack of response infuriates him, she always had answers, why not now… he walks up to her and grabs her by the shoulder…Hard…And he knows it'll probably bruise (but it can't) but he doesn't care (not anymore) because perhaps…Just perhaps some of this frustration, this pain, this infuriating helplessness would pass on to her as well….

"Listen Casey. I-WANT-YOU-TO-GO."

"I can't."

"Why the fuck not?"

Casey looks at him straight in the eye…"You really want to know why?"

"Yeah…Humor me."

"Because I'm not there Derek…"

"Huh?" He looks at her in confusion, what does that mean…she's there…he can see her…funny thing though that only he can …but she's there…he knows it…

"I'm here Derek only because you want me to be here…." She lowers her eyes as if afraid he will freak out again, "I…I can't go…because you won't let me go…"

He lets go of her and takes a few steps back, "What do you mean?"

"I'm only there in your head…you think of me…you want me here…I don't have a control over it….you do."

And it finally dawns onto him…It wasn't her who hadn't crossed over yet…it was _him_ who still hadn't let go….

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"So how exactly is it?" They are sitting at the island in his kitchen, eating out of a carton…apparently Casey has learnt to loosen up a bit…

"What? Being dead?"

"Yeah. Are there all gory zombies around you and all?"

Casey laughs, "No…Derek….real life or in my case lack of it isn't inspired by B grade Hollywood flicks…"

Derek smiles, "too bad," and continues to eat in silence…

"What exactly is bothering you though?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You have been making lame conversation all this while ...Why don't you just ask me what you want to ask?"

He looks at her for some time and then finally lets in, "What are we?"

Casey thankfully doesn't pretend not to understand; she looks thoughtfully at him and then carefully chooses her words, "Then? Now?"

"Both."

She sighs, "I don't know now…But then…I don't know that either…But then I thought that, you know, with time….Later when we had the time…We would…You know…I always thought we had the time in the world to sort out our _relationship._" She isn't making any sense…and yet he understands every word of it...If only….

"Yeah me too…" he answers her unasked question…

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­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­"I kissed her…" he says as soon as he enters the room….

"Oh."

"Yeah …It was unexpected but I did….And …"

"And?"

"And I would like to do it again." It has driven him crazy all this while, but this was the first time in almost a year that he had felt the need to be with somebody…somebody…living…breathing…._how could he do this to her? _

"Oh."

"But there's one problem."

"Mmmm?"

"I don't feel right about one thing."

"What? That you were thinking about me?"

He looks at her; mindlessly thinking of a better way of putting it….He can't come up with anything…

"No…Because I didn't."

"Oh." _Will she not say anything more than that?_

They stare at each other for some time….finally Cases drops her eyes to the ground and something about that simple expression tells him …That….This is the end….

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what to say?"

She looks up at him and smiles. "Good-bye is traditional."

He sighs and it feels like something is boiling up in his throat, he swallows it down, because he can't…He never has…Except something is breaking inside him and he has this gnawing feeling that he will never ever be able to put it back together….

Suddenly he asks, "Can you cry? I mean…Is it possible?"

She looks up at him in surprise and then smiles. "Nah...I can't …The channels have closed up…No tear glands left…."

"Okay," he answers.

Suddenly Casey is standing in front of him, lifting his face up, "Derek look at me."

He stubbornly refuses to…."De-rek please…Look up."

He does.

"It's okay." But it isn't …"it's not your fault," she repeats.

And then suddenly he's in her arms, crushing her to him…And she's whispering soothingly in his ears and he can already feel her slipping away…

"I can't cry Derek…But you…You can."

And he drowns himself in her….Breaks down….balling her shirt in his fists as he holds her close…so so close…Finally…Finally…Lets out what had been locked away for so long…Because he can't (can) cry…

He doesn't see her after that.

'Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind towards some resolution it may never find.'

-Robert Anderson

I never Sang for My Father

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So? Please review?

If anyone wants to read a slightly similar story with apparitions appearing and so forth...well, Lwd has a few awesome ones of course but there is a non LWD fanfic which is awesome ; please read unoriginalelizabeth's Grief in Reverse (a press gang fan fic), you don't have to know press gang for it, read it for the pure brilliance of her writing style...


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